Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Scared to Get Back in the Job Force

This morning I woke up to a gloomy day.  All day I felt like going back to bed.  Then Ronnie wanted to go to Keiths house.  Which was OK!

I suddenly got annoyed when Ronnie said we are only staying for a few minutes.  Well Lord I was under the impression he was going to stay for a few hours.

Why else would Ronnie say to drop him off and why would Jack go with him if he planned to leave in a few minutes?

I was hoping to have some time alone with you.  I was looking forward to the quietness.

Then he wanted me to drop off his video at BlockBusters.  Then suddenly it triggered the past.

The past when we would get videos and Ronnie would spend an hour or so in the video place.

The past where I would either go in the video store or sit out in the car in the hot sun or freezing cold.  Waiting for him to get movies.  Only for me to return the next day.

This wouldn't have upset me but this was becoming an everyday habit.  Ronnie kept complaining about money but if I said anything about renting those movies.  All hell would break loose!

Well anyhow I felt that past anger rising up!  Thank you God we just dropped the movie off because I was prepared to put my foot down.

We got home.  Ronnie decided to make a baloney sandwich.  Suddenly he started cussing because he thought there was no baloney.

I walked into the kitchen to see what he was yelling about.  The freezer door was above his head.  I told him to watch his head.

He yelled at me and said.  God dammit I know that freezer door is there.  I just want to know what happen to the boloney?

I told him it was down in the bottom drawer.  He then replied to me and says.  Well it isn't where I put it!

I said well I didn't put it there.  Then he made a sarcastic remark.  I don't remember what it was.  Anyhow, he went to take a nap.  Which is holding me back from getting 2 things done.  That is scrub the siding and vacuuming the truck.  So I hope it doesn't rain because it kinda looks like it will.

I have been thinking of getting a job!  God I'm serious!  Help me get a job!  God I need your help it's been 4 yrs. since my last job and that job didn't last long.

It's been years before that job.  Getting a job is scary to me.  It is also harder now to get a job.

I think Ronnie wants me to get a job, but I don't think he has looked at the big picture.

I don't think he realizes how put out he will be.  The kind of work that I do requires me to work weekends and holidays.

That means I'm not going to be too happy if I come home to Ronnie being whiskey  up!

I won't want to or feel like going places when I get off work.  I am not going to feel like cooking and cleaning up the mess every night.

I won't be able to take him to his VA appointments or run him around like I do now.  Things will drastically change even me and my attitude will change.  I will be happier having my own money and job.

I want to be happier and I want a job.  So please God remove the fear and replace it with your power and your strength.  So that I have the courage to go forward.  Please lead me forward in the right direction.

I am so unhappy.  I just want my joy back!

Thank You God for Listening
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